F**kin’ Perfect (part two…)

I am going to sit down and try this again. Basically I feel this need to have to always be perfect. I feel this need to have to please everyone around me. Lately I have been changing that. Its going to be a hard process but I am going to try. There has only been a few times I have truly appreciated my body, once I started caring more about how I looked. I am not perfect, I do not look perfect. I am only human. I am trying to learn everyday how to accept and love myself more. I love myself enough to have started taking better care of myself. But my insecurities sometimes take over, and stop me from taking a step forward in accepting myself. My insecurities make me feel “less than” or like “nothing.” It is horrible that I give my insecurities that much power. It is horrible I give my emotions that much power. But starting today I am going to make it stop taking over me. My insecurities are a demon. In a few days I will be 18. The big one eight. I will be legally considered an adult. I feel like I have not accomplished anything. I feel like I come up with great ideas but I do not follow through on them. I have been “half assing” everything. Writing this post is a step towards change. I am following through on what I said. I said I was going to hopefully write the rest of this post the next day (today) and voila here it is. I always state how I feel about things which has its pros and cons. It is as if I never know things. But I do know things, I am just not always sure of them. Well back to being 18, its time for me to make some changes in how I live my life. I am going to start being more productive and start getting things accomplished. No more procrastinating for me, I will be in college soon. Procrastination is not a good trait to have, so it needs to go. I am my worst critic, but tonight my worst critic is my greatest critic. It is giving me a lesson in growing up. When I am critical of myself it makes my insecurities come out. Other people do not make me insecure, I make myself insecure. Now it is time to be secure. Starting tomorrow I think I am going to start writing a schedule. It is time for me to take control of my life. The key will be around my neck on sunday. Another thing I just realized I am changing is “name dropping” it just makes me look conceited, selfish, and shallow. And tonight typing this I stopped myself from “name dropping.” I am better than that. I will be better than that. This is only the beginning of the new reinvented me. More is to come. Everyday, every week, every month, every year I learn new things about myself.

F**kin’ Perfect (part 1)

So lately I have been really stressed. I missed several days of school and I am now behind in a class. I have a few essays that I need to write. My birthday is coming up, its on Sunday. I never want to share with the world that it is my birthday, yet I hope that people will wish me a birthday. But how are people supposed to wish me a happy birthday if I never told them it is my birthday. I just feel really conceited when I tell people it is my birthday so I just don’t tell them. This year I am going to be 18. The big one eight. I am going to be an adult officially. I feel like I have not done anything right. I feel everything I am doing is wrong. I take two steps forward and then three steps back. I am my worst critic. I feel like I should be perfect. I know that nobody is perfect… but I feel like I have to be. I have this idea in my head of how I should be. But I cannot play out my plans. I make plans in my head and I have trouble fulfilling them. I want to be somebody. I want to feel valuable to someone. I feel as if I am treated as if I am disposable sometimes. I am not a camera. I am not trash. I am a human. I am human. I have feelings, I have emotions. I need attention too. I give you attention, why can’t you give me attention. I am not sure why I always feel like I am nothing. I just want to be loved and I want someone to see how special I am. I am tired of being lonely. I would give anything to feel loved, and truly happy. I am also tired of being heavy. I am 50 pounds overweight. It disgusts me. I cannot believe medicine can do this to you. I think all my problems will be solved once I lose my weight… but that is not necessarily true. Happiness starts from within. You must love yourself before you can love another person. Right now I definitely do not love myself. Honestly who really loves everything about themselves. I live in a problem generation. Everyone is on drugs, everyone is in/out of rehab. Where are the people like me. I cannot find people like me. I am ranting and not making any sense. So I will hopefully continue this another day. Hopefully tomorrow.