Words

Lately I have watching and I have been trying to change the words I use. Words are a vital part of how the world works (if you believe in The Secret type of stuff) and how we communicate (which is basically the same thing). I have found that I am very negative with my words, especially towards myself. They say that you are your own worst critic, and yes indeed that is very much true with myself. So I am on a transformation to make myself my own #1 fan. I need to start using more positive, uplifting, complimenting type of words when talking about myself with others and in my head. I think I heard once that “you are your own words.” I think this is very true because I believe in The Power and the power of  The Secret. Whenever you think or say something about yourself you become that something, especially if you put a lot of emotion behind it. Love is the most powerful power/force there is. So when you feel love towards something you say, that something should occur or you should become that something. But the key is to keep up with the positiveness and love behind what you are thinking/saying. This is what I have been working on lately, keeping my mind full of positive and loving thoughts, because when I use to do that I was much happier and confident than I am now. Another powerful emotion is gratitude, which is one step below love. Being grateful for everything that you have been granted with in your life is very important. I am not yet at the level of feeling love for everything immediately, so I start with feeling extremely grateful/thankful for something and then work up to feeling love. I am not trying to say that you should only be grateful for what you have in order to get more, but you should be grateful/thankful for everything all the time. I cannot stress enough how important it is to be grateful and thankful for what you have. You never know what the next day, the next hour, the next minute, or next second brings. I am honestly saying this from experience, I wish I was more grateful and thankful for some of the things I took for granted in the past. It is really sad to lose something that meant the world to you, even though you did not realize it until you lost it. You should be grateful for the little and big things in life, whether its a parking space or your life. People are very materialistic and are always wanting more and more and more, but they do not realize that it is about being happy with what you already have and not about always feeling the need to have more of something. I am not sure if that is coming across as strongly as I would like, but basically one needs to not let their “need for more” override the happiness of appreciating what you already have. Also, people need to appreciate the people they have in their lives more. Sure material items and money can satisfy some aspects of your well-being. But, there is nothing like having at least one really good friend and your family around to support you, and for you to support them. There is nothing more uplifting then having people on your side. So another message is to appreciate the people around you. Do not just let them know but also SHOW them that you are happy and grateful/thankful to have them in your life. When they need you, be there for them. Hopefully if they are just as good as a friend they will be there for you when you need them. As the “golden rule” states, “Treat others the way you would like to be treated.” Treat your friends the way you would want them to treat you. Hopefully if you go above & beyond, they will go above & beyond. But do not expect too much out of people, after all we are only human. It is in some people’s nature to go above & beyond in their relationship’s and/or in life in general. It is very rare to find people like that, so when you do find one do one thing: keep them. But, you must do several things to keep them. 1) respect them and treat them with respect; 2) treasure them; 3) show them that you care; 4) do not disregard them and treat them as an equal; 5) be there for them; 6) you do not need to go exactly above & beyond, but do not do the bare minimum in the the relationship be a good friend; 7) I almost forgot but listen to them, be a good listener; 8) DO NOT take ADVANTAGE of them, actually, NEVER TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THEM; 9) I guess this list could go on….

I happen to be one of those people who goes above and beyond in my relationships. At least I try to when I really care about the person. But, when I start to notice that I am not being respected, or treated with the respect I deserve, or if they are doing the opposite of any of the above 8 things listed, that is when I start to slowly back out. If I really do care for you, I do not back out entirely. When I back out entirely that is when I usually tell you that we cannot be friends anymore. But, the point of this is that people who are like me, that go above and beyond, should learn to not expect a lot of people. Those are some really great words of advice a friend gave to me last week. People like to take advantage of people who are very nice, it is as if they find it to be a weakness. But I feel like it is a strength. So do not stop being nice, just be a little more guarded about who you choose to be very nice to and then do not expect a lot out of people.

The song I chose is Words by Skylar Grey. It is not the version with Lupe Fiasco. It is the version from “The Buried Sessions of Skylar Grey” album. It is a beautiful song even though it is pretty sad. But the reason I chose this song is because over the past few months I have been very hard on myself. I have been using very negative words, and I have had some negative words and phrases said to me that I am having trouble shaking off. I forgive but I DO NOT forget. But, I can change and make my future better. People are always saying “I’ll prove them wrong one day, just one day.” But, really you do not need to prove yourself to anyone, even though it brings great satisfaction showing how far along you are in life and that you made something of yourself and that you were not useless like they said. However, the only person you need to prove is yourself. You only need to prove to yourself that you can do whatever it is you are telling yourself you cannot do/accomplish, or that you will never do/accomplish. Learn to be content with yourself. Learn to love yourself. Learn to just be yourself, your true self. Do not be afraid to do any of those things. Once you accept yourself, everything will get much better as long as you do not feed into the negative thoughts of others, and the negative thoughts from yourself that you have silenced. Once you truly fall in love with yourself, you can truly fall in love with someone else. Just do not get too conceited about yourself, be humble yet be proud. And now we are coming to a full circle, I started out with a few thoughts I intended to say and went off on a tangent (I am still not sure if I covered everything). So I apologize for this being all over the place, I have a lot on my mind. Also, I apologize for not posting a post every week, actually I am sorry but not sorry because school is what consumed my time. I really should not be writing this right now, and with that said I should be working on this writing assignment I have. I wish I could write more often, and maybe I will be now since I got a new laptop. 🙂

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Walk

I was driving home earlier tonight and on my iPod the song “Walk” by Foo Fighters came up on my shuffle playlist thing. I already had this song in a playlist of songs that may inspire me to write a blog post, but I usually do not feel entirely inspired by picking and choosing a song. The song usually plays, without me choosing it, and then I feel inspired and/or “infinite.” My favorite verse of the song is “I’m learning to walk again/ I believe I’ve waited long enough/ Where do I begin?/ I’m learning to talk again/ Can’t you see I’ve waited long enough/ Where do I begin?”. This verse really popped out at me tonight, because it explains exactly what I have been doing these past two months and what I have been trying to do since  June 2011. Basically I have been trying to rebuild my life, I was successful with this in the fall but somehow and someway I stopped halfway through the fall semester. Then in winter I started to piece my life together, and now ever since then I have been working hard at accomplishing things in my life. I have been very busy the past two months getting myself organized and prepared for applying for a college transfer this upcoming fall (Fall 2012). While doing this I have also been rebuilding my life as I am building the foundation for my future. I have changed how I eat (once again), how often I exercise, I have been working on how I communicate with my friends, and I have even cut people out of my life who are unhealthy for me. My next step is to incorporate even more of “The Secret,” God, and more spiritual things into my life. I do not know why I did not do this sooner, and I wish I did start this sooner but right now is a good time for me to start. Now that I have real goals in my life, I feel like I have a true purpose. I have found that I do not care as much about what others think of me, and I feel stronger as a being. So my message is that everyone should make a goal to look towards and try to achieve. What is the point of life if you are not going to have any goals? Everyone needs goals, especially if you want to be successful in all or several aspects of life. Overall this is an update of how I have been these past 9 months. I missed writing, and I am glad to say that I am back. 🙂

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Scheiße

It is actually pronounced as “scheisse.” It translates from German to English as “shits” or “shit.” This song is by mother mons†er, also known as Lady Gaga. If I have not already shared this before I am a little monster. *paws up* I have not written in a while so there is a lot for me to share. Since we are on the topic, Gaga, I will start off with the Mons†er Ball I attended. You all may know the mons†er ball as the mons†er ball tour, or as a Lady Gaga concert. But to me its a night where I felt free, open, special, wanted, loved, confident, obnoxious, loud, fun, amazing and the adjectives list goes on. But whenever I look back on that night I stop criticizing myself and I start complimenting myself. I stop thinking about how I should be another way, and I start appreciating that I was BORN THIS WAY. Whenever I hear the song Born This Way, I feel she is speaking to me. I get chills and I feel alive, awakened inside. But I do not feel this way about the released, recorded version. I feel this way every time I hear the live version on the piano. It really brings out the beauty of the song and its lyrics.

Part 1 of first performance

Part 2 of first performance

 

My next favorite Gaga song is You and I. I do not like the released version of the song, well I like it but not as much as the live piano version. Every time I hear it I think of “Jude.” I really need to stop giving him some power over my thoughts.

Well now I am going to go back to the beginning of this post. Scheiße is what my life has kind of been like lately. Nothing has been really working out. Something always goes wrong. A few things have worked out but I have been thinking scheiße, scheiße, scheiße often. This song also has meaning to me. In the song Lady Gaga sings, “I, I wish that I could dance on a single prayer./ I, I wish I could be strong without somebody there.”

Now I started working on this post I believe on June 14th, 2011, but I am not sure about that I have lost track of time. I have already graduated and I am right now here in London writing this blog post. I am the youngest in the group, so I already feel like I don’t fit in. But that is me over exaggerating . I think I have made friends, but I think I have already pushed them away. I have learned today it is not other people but it is me. I figured this out today saturday June 24th, 2011. I do not know the in between when starting a friendship. I have no clue when something is too much, or inappropriate. I am naive, and I declared on the plane that this would be a learning experience for me. I declared that I would not do alot of things that I did within 5 hours of being on this trip. I am disgusted with myself right now. First day and I think I have already blown it. I got nervous because I felt like I was not skinny enough, not dressed well enough, not stylish enough, and too young. I just was thrown off because all these things were thrown at me. I just feel so disgusted with myself. I also did not take a second class, like I should have… now I am going to have a ton of free time in Paris… What am I going to do with it all by myself? I just feel like this week and these past few weeks have not been my weeks, I have been thrown off. Something is off in my star alignment (if that exists). I am just wondering how I can straighten it out. I have come here to hopefully make new friends, since I have very little friends back at home. I miss having friends. I am very depressed right now and a bit sleep deprived. I shall go to sleep. goodnight.

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Untitled 4

So currently I am sitting in the computer lab, at school. I should be in my study hall but I do not have any work so I asked my teacher if I could go to the lab to work on something. This is the something I am working on.  I do not have any music playing, but there are kids talking in the background, of this room. I have no mandatory work to work on, but there is work I have the option of working on. Its friday though and I do not feel like doing any work today. Blogging is not work to me, it is many things that are positive. It helps me release and get in touch with my inner feelings/emotions. It helps me express myself in words. I seem to have trouble sometimes figuring out my emotions towards things, such as: novels, stories etc… I have no problem expressing how I feel in a blog. But who does not have a problem expressing themselves in writing. I want to aim toward a question as a topic one day. Not today because I have no clue what question I wold use as my topic to write about. But another day I will do so. Before starting this post I was debating whether I should practice for my permit test on tuesday next week. But I felt this was more exciting and worthy of my time. I have not posted in a while, so this was a priority over studying.

Next week I am going to see LADY GAGA. I am really excited. I have been trying to figure out what I am going to wear. I hope I get paid this weekend, maybe I will go out and get a shirt or a dress to wear. I am definitely going to wear my Dolce Vita platform heels though. I love those, I just have not found an occasion to wear them. But, maybe I should practice this weekend wearing them. After all they are 5 1/2 inches. I am really excited about going, not just to see Lady Gaga but to see my best friend Abby. I miss her soo much, it is always great to see her when she is home.

Back to heels, there is a pair of heels I am dying to get. It is the Jeffrey Campbell Lita. I almost bought a pair with my birthday money since they were restocked at Solestruck. If you click the link it will take you to the shoe I want to get. Sadly they are now out of my size. I should have gotten them when I could have.

The past few weeks I have lost weight. I lost about 6 pounds, but last night I weight 5 pounds more. So I am afraid I have gained it. I go to the gym tonight. I am kind of starting to like going to the gym more often. I am trying to go on my own more. I only went once this week on my own. Tonight I will be training with my trainer. But I will go tomorrow morning with my mom, and hopefully Sunday morning with my mom. If not I will try to go alone. I hope I lose all my weight before my trip, I am willing to do whatever it takes except for doing things that would start an eating disorder. Once I lose my weight I plan to get all new clothes, so I have clothes that fit and so I can be my fashionable self. 🙂

I have not told that many people about my acceptance into my study abroad program. I have only told my school therapist, my dean, my school college counselor, and my family. I have not told any friends at all. But I will be in Paris this summer studying abroad at the Sorbonne. I am very excited, and very thankful that I will have this experience. I am going barely knowing the language, actually less than barely knowing the language. I only know how to say hello, goodbye, what is your name, I would like…,  and how are you. But I can read a few words, and some verbs. But I am not sufficient enough to get around alone. I hope I will meet a friend who will be kind enough to help me. But I will be studying French at the Sorbonne and I will receive college credit if I go to all my classes. I am really excited about going to Paris, France this summer, and I am really excited about meeting new people and making new friends. I really need some new friends in my life. Hopefully some people will live somewhat near me, so I can see them during the year after the trip.

When I return from Paris, I will be attending a community college somewhat near my house. I plan to study there all year long, so I will be able to transfer after two years. I do not plan to stay at the community college longer than two years. I do not want to study for over 2 years at a community college. After that I would love to transfer into a university/college. Today I want to major in: psychology, and premedicine. I am planning on becoming a psychiatrist. But, thats right now in this moment. In the next few minutes I may change and have trouble deciding between therapist, psychiatrist, general practitioner, and lawyer.

(I wrote this on a Friday, but posted it on a Saturday.)

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Imagine

So I have been dreaming a lot lately. Way too often. I need something to snap me back to reality. I have trouble staying in reality because in my dreams everything is how I want it to be. Reality is just too depressing for me. But it is depressing because I’m comparing reality to my dreams. In my dreams I look the way I want to look, I dress the way I want to dress, I date the people I want to date, I act the way I want to act. Everything is how I want it to be. I never want to leave my dreams. But I have to because you should be in reality. In order to stay in reality I should figure out what I need to do in order to achieve what I want and do what I need to do. I need to start working towards what I want. I need to write stuff down that I need to do before I can get to where I want to be. Nothing comes easy in life so I need to start working towards a goal.

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Untitled 3 (Blackberry Edition)

So right now I am stuck at school. I am stuck in the main office waiting to get picked up. My mother never picks up her cell phone. It is always off it seems. It seems to always go straight to voicemail. It is soo annoying. I am sick and tired of her not picking up her phone. It makes me wonder why she has one. I know why she has one, but I don’t know what the point is if I talk to her voicemail more than her on the phone. I’m still waiting in this somewhat quiet office. Its very business quiet. It makes me wanna leave sooner. I really need to work on getting my license. I have just been too lazy with the license situation. I am tired of having to be driven everywhere. I am tired of waiting to get picked up too. But now I need to take a permit test, and I didn’t do so well on that the first time I took it. I didn’t do well on the second time but they passed me anyway. That was very nice of them. But I hate testing at the dmv its so…so…so I don’t know how to say it but it makes me nervous. I hope I do well this next time I take it.

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Pumped Up Kicks

I am just in love with this song. It makes me want to fast forward to a time in the future where I will be at the beach with friends around a campfire. This song makes me soo happy. I know the lyrics to this song is not too pleasing. But it sounds really nice. The vocals with the surfer type of instrumentals. Today I went to see an astrologist. I am very pleased about my future. I am really looking forward to it. Now I feel like I have some instructions to what I need in life. Now I just need to make my tool belt stronger. I just cannot wait for the future I am so over the present right now. I want to widen my horizons but I feel like something is stopping me from doing that right now. Tomorrow is my birthday. I picked up a beautiful cake. I take picture of it and post them tomorrow. My cake is black, white, and tiffany blue. Its so pretty. Its going to be tasty too. I think I just realized why I chose this song for my title… besides the reason that its the song on replay for me right now. But the title kind of fits how I am thinking. I am “pumped” for the future and I just wish I could run to it right now. I am excited about the preparation, but I feel as if its going to feel like it will take forever. But I start tomorrow, I start preparing for my future tomorrow. I cannot believe it has been 18 years. It was just yesterday I was so young. Time really does fly.

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F**kin’ Perfect (part two…)

I am going to sit down and try this again. Basically I feel this need to have to always be perfect. I feel this need to have to please everyone around me. Lately I have been changing that. Its going to be a hard process but I am going to try. There has only been a few times I have truly appreciated my body, once I started caring more about how I looked. I am not perfect, I do not look perfect. I am only human. I am trying to learn everyday how to accept and love myself more. I love myself enough to have started taking better care of myself. But my insecurities sometimes take over, and stop me from taking a step forward in accepting myself. My insecurities make me feel “less than” or like “nothing.” It is horrible that I give my insecurities that much power. It is horrible I give my emotions that much power. But starting today I am going to make it stop taking over me. My insecurities are a demon. In a few days I will be 18. The big one eight. I will be legally considered an adult. I feel like I have not accomplished anything. I feel like I come up with great ideas but I do not follow through on them. I have been “half assing” everything. Writing this post is a step towards change. I am following through on what I said. I said I was going to hopefully write the rest of this post the next day (today) and voila here it is. I always state how I feel about things which has its pros and cons. It is as if I never know things. But I do know things, I am just not always sure of them. Well back to being 18, its time for me to make some changes in how I live my life. I am going to start being more productive and start getting things accomplished. No more procrastinating for me, I will be in college soon. Procrastination is not a good trait to have, so it needs to go. I am my worst critic, but tonight my worst critic is my greatest critic. It is giving me a lesson in growing up. When I am critical of myself it makes my insecurities come out. Other people do not make me insecure, I make myself insecure. Now it is time to be secure. Starting tomorrow I think I am going to start writing a schedule. It is time for me to take control of my life. The key will be around my neck on sunday. Another thing I just realized I am changing is “name dropping” it just makes me look conceited, selfish, and shallow. And tonight typing this I stopped myself from “name dropping.” I am better than that. I will be better than that. This is only the beginning of the new reinvented me. More is to come. Everyday, every week, every month, every year I learn new things about myself.

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F**kin’ Perfect (part 1)

So lately I have been really stressed. I missed several days of school and I am now behind in a class. I have a few essays that I need to write. My birthday is coming up, its on Sunday. I never want to share with the world that it is my birthday, yet I hope that people will wish me a birthday. But how are people supposed to wish me a happy birthday if I never told them it is my birthday. I just feel really conceited when I tell people it is my birthday so I just don’t tell them. This year I am going to be 18. The big one eight. I am going to be an adult officially. I feel like I have not done anything right. I feel everything I am doing is wrong. I take two steps forward and then three steps back. I am my worst critic. I feel like I should be perfect. I know that nobody is perfect… but I feel like I have to be. I have this idea in my head of how I should be. But I cannot play out my plans. I make plans in my head and I have trouble fulfilling them. I want to be somebody. I want to feel valuable to someone. I feel as if I am treated as if I am disposable sometimes. I am not a camera. I am not trash. I am a human. I am human. I have feelings, I have emotions. I need attention too. I give you attention, why can’t you give me attention. I am not sure why I always feel like I am nothing. I just want to be loved and I want someone to see how special I am. I am tired of being lonely. I would give anything to feel loved, and truly happy. I am also tired of being heavy. I am 50 pounds overweight. It disgusts me. I cannot believe medicine can do this to you. I think all my problems will be solved once I lose my weight… but that is not necessarily true. Happiness starts from within. You must love yourself before you can love another person. Right now I definitely do not love myself. Honestly who really loves everything about themselves. I live in a problem generation. Everyone is on drugs, everyone is in/out of rehab. Where are the people like me. I cannot find people like me. I am ranting and not making any sense. So I will hopefully continue this another day. Hopefully tomorrow.

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Untitled 2

So right now I am sitting in my computer class in school. I was unsure of what I should do, so I decided upon writing a blog post. I am debating whether I should finally type up my “Hey Jude” letter/post. But I am still feeling iffy about it. Tonight I am going to my best friend’s house for a study session type thing. But I am not going to have that much homework so I am bringing some of my projects over to work on. Such as studying french, and such as creating a finished draft of my “Hey Jude” letter. I am worried about how that letter will turn out just a bit, and what I mean by turn out is how I will feel after typing it up and releasing it to the world. Currently I am using last.fm for music because I cannot use my ipod and I am never sure what I would like to play. I am playing my recommended playlist. I love the mix so far. I disabled my facebook for a little while… but I am not sure if that was a good idea. I will probably reactivate it at lunch or something. I can currently leave early at lunch, but today I have a student council meeting. Now this post has taken a turn towards boring. I have had so much I have been thinking about lately… so much going through my mind. But I have songs that help relive those thoughts… and I am not listening to my ipod so therefore I do not have a key to those thoughts. I am now thinking I should start a section on this blog about my dreams. It would be a section where I describe and share my dreams. By dreams I mean my goals, aspirations, daydreams, and dreams I have in my sleep. Additionally I would  have things I hope to achieve. Maybe right now I should write about my regret with that certain guy… which I hope I will get over soon. I just cannot shake it still. I feel really jumpy right now for some strange reason. Maybe I will write a valentine’s day post. That is what I will do.

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