I am just in love with this song. It makes me want to fast forward to a time in the future where I will be at the beach with friends around a campfire. This song makes me soo happy. I know the lyrics to this song is not too pleasing. But it sounds really nice. The vocals with the surfer type of instrumentals. Today I went to see an astrologist. I am very pleased about my future. I am really looking forward to it. Now I feel like I have some instructions to what I need in life. Now I just need to make my tool belt stronger. I just cannot wait for the future I am so over the present right now. I want to widen my horizons but I feel like something is stopping me from doing that right now. Tomorrow is my birthday. I picked up a beautiful cake. I take picture of it and post them tomorrow. My cake is black, white, and tiffany blue. Its so pretty. Its going to be tasty too. I think I just realized why I chose this song for my title… besides the reason that its the song on replay for me right now. But the title kind of fits how I am thinking. I am “pumped” for the future and I just wish I could run to it right now. I am excited about the preparation, but I feel as if its going to feel like it will take forever. But I start tomorrow, I start preparing for my future tomorrow. I cannot believe it has been 18 years. It was just yesterday I was so young. Time really does fly.
So lately I have been really stressed. I missed several days of school and I am now behind in a class. I have a few essays that I need to write. My birthday is coming up, its on Sunday. I never want to share with the world that it is my birthday, yet I hope that people will wish me a birthday. But how are people supposed to wish me a happy birthday if I never told them it is my birthday. I just feel really conceited when I tell people it is my birthday so I just don’t tell them. This year I am going to be 18. The big one eight. I am going to be an adult officially. I feel like I have not done anything right. I feel everything I am doing is wrong. I take two steps forward and then three steps back. I am my worst critic. I feel like I should be perfect. I know that nobody is perfect… but I feel like I have to be. I have this idea in my head of how I should be. But I cannot play out my plans. I make plans in my head and I have trouble fulfilling them. I want to be somebody. I want to feel valuable to someone. I feel as if I am treated as if I am disposable sometimes. I am not a camera. I am not trash. I am a human. I am human. I have feelings, I have emotions. I need attention too. I give you attention, why can’t you give me attention. I am not sure why I always feel like I am nothing. I just want to be loved and I want someone to see how special I am. I am tired of being lonely. I would give anything to feel loved, and truly happy. I am also tired of being heavy. I am 50 pounds overweight. It disgusts me. I cannot believe medicine can do this to you. I think all my problems will be solved once I lose my weight… but that is not necessarily true. Happiness starts from within. You must love yourself before you can love another person. Right now I definitely do not love myself. Honestly who really loves everything about themselves. I live in a problem generation. Everyone is on drugs, everyone is in/out of rehab. Where are the people like me. I cannot find people like me. I am ranting and not making any sense. So I will hopefully continue this another day. Hopefully tomorrow.
As you may have noticed, most of my post titles are song titles. Music is a big part of my life, it is always there. Today’s post song is “Your Betrayal” by Bullet for My Valentine. Its an amazing song, take a listen. So this week my school voted and I won in the student council elections. I am now vice-president. But I left something out, I was running unopposed. The past few weeks I have been feeling betrayed in some ways, and I figured out I need to find something to pour my creativeness into and not let it just sit. And to not have me just sit around to give me something to do. So I applied for a few internships, and I have been designing for my clothing line. I cannot wait for it to kickstart, I feel like a little kid who is waiting to open presents. I have so many great ideas I want to make into a reality, but I need to stop imagining and start doing hands on designing. I think I am a kinesthetic learner, which means I learn better when using my hands I believe. Today is my friends 18th birthday so happy birthday to her. Now back to the title. I chose this song because it describes the majority of my past week and weekend into one word. Me feeling betrayed. But I still feel betrayed, but it never bothered me. It annoyed me and it bothered me because I was annoyed. Why must that person do things in thought of it bothering me. It would have bothered me if I cared enough, it just showed me their true colors. ( I had an entire list of things I wanted to touch base on, but I cannot remember right now. I will most likely be posting more than one post today.)