Category Archives: twenty.eleven.

Scheiße

It is actually pronounced as “scheisse.” It translates from German to English as “shits” or “shit.” This song is by mother mons†er, also known as Lady Gaga. If I have not already shared this before I am a little monster. *paws up* I have not written in a while so there is a lot for me to share. Since we are on the topic, Gaga, I will start off with the Mons†er Ball I attended. You all may know the mons†er ball as the mons†er ball tour, or as a Lady Gaga concert. But to me its a night where I felt free, open, special, wanted, loved, confident, obnoxious, loud, fun, amazing and the adjectives list goes on. But whenever I look back on that night I stop criticizing myself and I start complimenting myself. I stop thinking about how I should be another way, and I start appreciating that I was BORN THIS WAY. Whenever I hear the song Born This Way, I feel she is speaking to me. I get chills and I feel alive, awakened inside. But I do not feel this way about the released, recorded version. I feel this way every time I hear the live version on the piano. It really brings out the beauty of the song and its lyrics.

Part 1 of first performance

Part 2 of first performance

 

My next favorite Gaga song is You and I. I do not like the released version of the song, well I like it but not as much as the live piano version. Every time I hear it I think of “Jude.” I really need to stop giving him some power over my thoughts.

Well now I am going to go back to the beginning of this post. Scheiße is what my life has kind of been like lately. Nothing has been really working out. Something always goes wrong. A few things have worked out but I have been thinking scheiße, scheiße, scheiße often. This song also has meaning to me. In the song Lady Gaga sings, “I, I wish that I could dance on a single prayer./ I, I wish I could be strong without somebody there.”

Now I started working on this post I believe on June 14th, 2011, but I am not sure about that I have lost track of time. I have already graduated and I am right now here in London writing this blog post. I am the youngest in the group, so I already feel like I don’t fit in. But that is me over exaggerating . I think I have made friends, but I think I have already pushed them away. I have learned today it is not other people but it is me. I figured this out today saturday June 24th, 2011. I do not know the in between when starting a friendship. I have no clue when something is too much, or inappropriate. I am naive, and I declared on the plane that this would be a learning experience for me. I declared that I would not do alot of things that I did within 5 hours of being on this trip. I am disgusted with myself right now. First day and I think I have already blown it. I got nervous because I felt like I was not skinny enough, not dressed well enough, not stylish enough, and too young. I just was thrown off because all these things were thrown at me. I just feel so disgusted with myself. I also did not take a second class, like I should have… now I am going to have a ton of free time in Paris… What am I going to do with it all by myself? I just feel like this week and these past few weeks have not been my weeks, I have been thrown off. Something is off in my star alignment (if that exists). I am just wondering how I can straighten it out. I have come here to hopefully make new friends, since I have very little friends back at home. I miss having friends. I am very depressed right now and a bit sleep deprived. I shall go to sleep. goodnight.

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under twenty.eleven.

Imagine

So I have been dreaming a lot lately. Way too often. I need something to snap me back to reality. I have trouble staying in reality because in my dreams everything is how I want it to be. Reality is just too depressing for me. But it is depressing because I’m comparing reality to my dreams. In my dreams I look the way I want to look, I dress the way I want to dress, I date the people I want to date, I act the way I want to act. Everything is how I want it to be. I never want to leave my dreams. But I have to because you should be in reality. In order to stay in reality I should figure out what I need to do in order to achieve what I want and do what I need to do. I need to start working towards what I want. I need to write stuff down that I need to do before I can get to where I want to be. Nothing comes easy in life so I need to start working towards a goal.

Leave a comment

Filed under twenty.eleven.

Untitled 3 (Blackberry Edition)

So right now I am stuck at school. I am stuck in the main office waiting to get picked up. My mother never picks up her cell phone. It is always off it seems. It seems to always go straight to voicemail. It is soo annoying. I am sick and tired of her not picking up her phone. It makes me wonder why she has one. I know why she has one, but I don’t know what the point is if I talk to her voicemail more than her on the phone. I’m still waiting in this somewhat quiet office. Its very business quiet. It makes me wanna leave sooner. I really need to work on getting my license. I have just been too lazy with the license situation. I am tired of having to be driven everywhere. I am tired of waiting to get picked up too. But now I need to take a permit test, and I didn’t do so well on that the first time I took it. I didn’t do well on the second time but they passed me anyway. That was very nice of them. But I hate testing at the dmv its so…so…so I don’t know how to say it but it makes me nervous. I hope I do well this next time I take it.

Leave a comment

Filed under twenty.eleven.

Pumped Up Kicks

I am just in love with this song. It makes me want to fast forward to a time in the future where I will be at the beach with friends around a campfire. This song makes me soo happy. I know the lyrics to this song is not too pleasing. But it sounds really nice. The vocals with the surfer type of instrumentals. Today I went to see an astrologist. I am very pleased about my future. I am really looking forward to it. Now I feel like I have some instructions to what I need in life. Now I just need to make my tool belt stronger. I just cannot wait for the future I am so over the present right now. I want to widen my horizons but I feel like something is stopping me from doing that right now. Tomorrow is my birthday. I picked up a beautiful cake. I take picture of it and post them tomorrow. My cake is black, white, and tiffany blue. Its so pretty. Its going to be tasty too. I think I just realized why I chose this song for my title… besides the reason that its the song on replay for me right now. But the title kind of fits how I am thinking. I am “pumped” for the future and I just wish I could run to it right now. I am excited about the preparation, but I feel as if its going to feel like it will take forever. But I start tomorrow, I start preparing for my future tomorrow. I cannot believe it has been 18 years. It was just yesterday I was so young. Time really does fly.

1 Comment

Filed under twenty.eleven.

F**kin’ Perfect (part two…)

I am going to sit down and try this again. Basically I feel this need to have to always be perfect. I feel this need to have to please everyone around me. Lately I have been changing that. Its going to be a hard process but I am going to try. There has only been a few times I have truly appreciated my body, once I started caring more about how I looked. I am not perfect, I do not look perfect. I am only human. I am trying to learn everyday how to accept and love myself more. I love myself enough to have started taking better care of myself. But my insecurities sometimes take over, and stop me from taking a step forward in accepting myself. My insecurities make me feel “less than” or like “nothing.” It is horrible that I give my insecurities that much power. It is horrible I give my emotions that much power. But starting today I am going to make it stop taking over me. My insecurities are a demon. In a few days I will be 18. The big one eight. I will be legally considered an adult. I feel like I have not accomplished anything. I feel like I come up with great ideas but I do not follow through on them. I have been “half assing” everything. Writing this post is a step towards change. I am following through on what I said. I said I was going to hopefully write the rest of this post the next day (today) and voila here it is. I always state how I feel about things which has its pros and cons. It is as if I never know things. But I do know things, I am just not always sure of them. Well back to being 18, its time for me to make some changes in how I live my life. I am going to start being more productive and start getting things accomplished. No more procrastinating for me, I will be in college soon. Procrastination is not a good trait to have, so it needs to go. I am my worst critic, but tonight my worst critic is my greatest critic. It is giving me a lesson in growing up. When I am critical of myself it makes my insecurities come out. Other people do not make me insecure, I make myself insecure. Now it is time to be secure. Starting tomorrow I think I am going to start writing a schedule. It is time for me to take control of my life. The key will be around my neck on sunday. Another thing I just realized I am changing is “name dropping” it just makes me look conceited, selfish, and shallow. And tonight typing this I stopped myself from “name dropping.” I am better than that. I will be better than that. This is only the beginning of the new reinvented me. More is to come. Everyday, every week, every month, every year I learn new things about myself.

Leave a comment

Filed under twenty.eleven.

F**kin’ Perfect (part 1)

So lately I have been really stressed. I missed several days of school and I am now behind in a class. I have a few essays that I need to write. My birthday is coming up, its on Sunday. I never want to share with the world that it is my birthday, yet I hope that people will wish me a birthday. But how are people supposed to wish me a happy birthday if I never told them it is my birthday. I just feel really conceited when I tell people it is my birthday so I just don’t tell them. This year I am going to be 18. The big one eight. I am going to be an adult officially. I feel like I have not done anything right. I feel everything I am doing is wrong. I take two steps forward and then three steps back. I am my worst critic. I feel like I should be perfect. I know that nobody is perfect… but I feel like I have to be. I have this idea in my head of how I should be. But I cannot play out my plans. I make plans in my head and I have trouble fulfilling them. I want to be somebody. I want to feel valuable to someone. I feel as if I am treated as if I am disposable sometimes. I am not a camera. I am not trash. I am a human. I am human. I have feelings, I have emotions. I need attention too. I give you attention, why can’t you give me attention. I am not sure why I always feel like I am nothing. I just want to be loved and I want someone to see how special I am. I am tired of being lonely. I would give anything to feel loved, and truly happy. I am also tired of being heavy. I am 50 pounds overweight. It disgusts me. I cannot believe medicine can do this to you. I think all my problems will be solved once I lose my weight… but that is not necessarily true. Happiness starts from within. You must love yourself before you can love another person. Right now I definitely do not love myself. Honestly who really loves everything about themselves. I live in a problem generation. Everyone is on drugs, everyone is in/out of rehab. Where are the people like me. I cannot find people like me. I am ranting and not making any sense. So I will hopefully continue this another day. Hopefully tomorrow.

Leave a comment

Filed under twenty.eleven.

Obsession

So I have been away in dreamland for a while and now it is time for me to come back to reality. It is a hard journey but me blogging and reflecting on my life is a start. I think at least. I have been obsessed, and by obsessed I mean I have constantly been daydreaming. I am like addicted. I am so unhappy with how my life has turned out that I escape into a dreamland where everything can be fixed. I am like 45 pounds overweight, and I am not a happy camper about that. I start going back to the gym again tomorrow. Well I started going last year at the end of 2010 and I have been going twice a week. But now I need to bump it up from starting to go three times a week to now soon everyday. I am also starting this diet from this book my mom just got its called the “17 Day Diet” or something like that. I start tomorrow. Something new in my life is I can leave school early now. It is great not having to stay in that place. So basically I am just changing everywhere. I have changed my mindset, I am changing my eating habits, I have changed my schedule, I am changing my exercise schedule additionally. I am really excited. I forgot to mention that I am most likely going to France this summer to study in Paris at the Sorbonne. I am really excited about that. I hope I lose my 45+ pounds before I go. My goal is to be 118 pounds. Another thing I have changed is my style, clothing style. I started this project, I print out articles of clothing that appeal to me or items that I like or love and I glue them into this sketchbook I got. I call the sketchbook “my lookbook.” I love this hands on project I started. Its better than polyvore to me.. actually I am not sure if its better but it feels more personal to me. I also put purple hair dye in my hair… my hair is already dark but I have a few light pieces that I wanted to turn purplish. So that way in the sunlight my hair would glint a purple tint instead of a reddish tint. Sometimes you can see the purple, most times you cannot but I love it when I do see it.

So Valentine’s Day is coming up… and once again I do not have a valentine. If I had things my way I would spend the day in bed watching Sex and the City episodes all day. Additionally I would drink champagne and eat sushi. Another option would be to watch Weeds all day. Because I would probably get even more depressed watching Sex and the City. And a problem would be.. I would probably end up really drunk because I would decide Champagne is not good enough and I would end up with some Jack or Absolut. God look at me I am an alcoholic in the making… Maybe since I have changed I will stick to what I am suppose to do… which is go to school. Once school is over I will probably go crash a course for my college class I will be taking if I crash correctly. and then go home and order sushi from my favorite sushi restaurant and then do my homework. Lastly I would end the day crying or watching weeds or watching SATC.

By far I think this has been one of my worst posts as of today. I feel frantic and all over the place right now. I feel very frrjasklfja;ga.

2 Comments

Filed under twenty.eleven.