F**kin’ Perfect (part 1)

So lately I have been really stressed. I missed several days of school and I am now behind in a class. I have a few essays that I need to write. My birthday is coming up, its on Sunday. I never want to share with the world that it is my birthday, yet I hope that people will wish me a birthday. But how are people supposed to wish me a happy birthday if I never told them it is my birthday. I just feel really conceited when I tell people it is my birthday so I just don’t tell them. This year I am going to be 18. The big one eight. I am going to be an adult officially. I feel like I have not done anything right. I feel everything I am doing is wrong. I take two steps forward and then three steps back. I am my worst critic. I feel like I should be perfect. I know that nobody is perfect… but I feel like I have to be. I have this idea in my head of how I should be. But I cannot play out my plans. I make plans in my head and I have trouble fulfilling them. I want to be somebody. I want to feel valuable to someone. I feel as if I am treated as if I am disposable sometimes. I am not a camera. I am not trash. I am a human. I am human. I have feelings, I have emotions. I need attention too. I give you attention, why can’t you give me attention. I am not sure why I always feel like I am nothing. I just want to be loved and I want someone to see how special I am. I am tired of being lonely. I would give anything to feel loved, and truly happy. I am also tired of being heavy. I am 50 pounds overweight. It disgusts me. I cannot believe medicine can do this to you. I think all my problems will be solved once I lose my weight… but that is not necessarily true. Happiness starts from within. You must love yourself before you can love another person. Right now I definitely do not love myself. Honestly who really loves everything about themselves. I live in a problem generation. Everyone is on drugs, everyone is in/out of rehab. Where are the people like me. I cannot find people like me. I am ranting and not making any sense. So I will hopefully continue this another day. Hopefully tomorrow.


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