Tag Archives: self-conscious

Scheiße

It is actually pronounced as “scheisse.” It translates from German to English as “shits” or “shit.” This song is by mother mons†er, also known as Lady Gaga. If I have not already shared this before I am a little monster. *paws up* I have not written in a while so there is a lot for me to share. Since we are on the topic, Gaga, I will start off with the Mons†er Ball I attended. You all may know the mons†er ball as the mons†er ball tour, or as a Lady Gaga concert. But to me its a night where I felt free, open, special, wanted, loved, confident, obnoxious, loud, fun, amazing and the adjectives list goes on. But whenever I look back on that night I stop criticizing myself and I start complimenting myself. I stop thinking about how I should be another way, and I start appreciating that I was BORN THIS WAY. Whenever I hear the song Born This Way, I feel she is speaking to me. I get chills and I feel alive, awakened inside. But I do not feel this way about the released, recorded version. I feel this way every time I hear the live version on the piano. It really brings out the beauty of the song and its lyrics.

Part 1 of first performance

Part 2 of first performance

 

My next favorite Gaga song is You and I. I do not like the released version of the song, well I like it but not as much as the live piano version. Every time I hear it I think of “Jude.” I really need to stop giving him some power over my thoughts.

Well now I am going to go back to the beginning of this post. Scheiße is what my life has kind of been like lately. Nothing has been really working out. Something always goes wrong. A few things have worked out but I have been thinking scheiße, scheiße, scheiße often. This song also has meaning to me. In the song Lady Gaga sings, “I, I wish that I could dance on a single prayer./ I, I wish I could be strong without somebody there.”

Now I started working on this post I believe on June 14th, 2011, but I am not sure about that I have lost track of time. I have already graduated and I am right now here in London writing this blog post. I am the youngest in the group, so I already feel like I don’t fit in. But that is me over exaggerating . I think I have made friends, but I think I have already pushed them away. I have learned today it is not other people but it is me. I figured this out today saturday June 24th, 2011. I do not know the in between when starting a friendship. I have no clue when something is too much, or inappropriate. I am naive, and I declared on the plane that this would be a learning experience for me. I declared that I would not do alot of things that I did within 5 hours of being on this trip. I am disgusted with myself right now. First day and I think I have already blown it. I got nervous because I felt like I was not skinny enough, not dressed well enough, not stylish enough, and too young. I just was thrown off because all these things were thrown at me. I just feel so disgusted with myself. I also did not take a second class, like I should have… now I am going to have a ton of free time in Paris… What am I going to do with it all by myself? I just feel like this week and these past few weeks have not been my weeks, I have been thrown off. Something is off in my star alignment (if that exists). I am just wondering how I can straighten it out. I have come here to hopefully make new friends, since I have very little friends back at home. I miss having friends. I am very depressed right now and a bit sleep deprived. I shall go to sleep. goodnight.

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Stop.

“Stop! Take some time to think, figure out what’s important to you.”

That line of lyrics is from the song Stop, by Against Me. Today for me was all about stopping. Stopping what the old me would do, and figuring out what the new me should do. It was a  bumper to bumper traffic day. Stop and go, stop and go, stop and go. I just got off the phone with my grandmother, she was sharing with me about how possibly I might be too needy. And I think I may be too needy, and that may be what drives the friends who I want to be closer with away. Which does not make sense to me, because when I back away I lose the friendship. Its not a win win situation, or a win lose, or a lose win situation its a lose lose type of situation. Either direction I take there will be some type of problem sadly. I am feeling a tad depressed right now and a bit inquisitive about my problem. My problem that has happened every year of my life, some years worse than others, some better than others, some in between.

I think I am not healthy. I am afraid to eat. That is not a good thing it seems like. I am starting to hate eating. I enjoy little snacks, but not meals. I am also starting to get a little self-conscious about eating in front of people, including family and friends. I am self-conscious now more than ever with how I behave, how I talk, what words I use, my pronunciation, where I sit, how I sit, where I look, what I watch, what I do, who I talk to. Why must I be so self-conscious. I always have been, but I think it feels like I am more conscious now more than ever is because the feeling and thoughts are more intense and take up a lot of space in my mind. I want to say I miss the past. But in reality I do not miss it that much. I just want it to go away. I need to learn to be more independent, not overanalyzing everything, and I am not sure what should be after the last and but I have an idea of what it is. I am tired and I might go off to bed in an hour or two.

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