Obsession

So I have been away in dreamland for a while and now it is time for me to come back to reality. It is a hard journey but me blogging and reflecting on my life is a start. I think at least. I have been obsessed, and by obsessed I mean I have constantly been daydreaming. I am like addicted. I am so unhappy with how my life has turned out that I escape into a dreamland where everything can be fixed. I am like 45 pounds overweight, and I am not a happy camper about that. I start going back to the gym again tomorrow. Well I started going last year at the end of 2010 and I have been going twice a week. But now I need to bump it up from starting to go three times a week to now soon everyday. I am also starting this diet from this book my mom just got its called the “17 Day Diet” or something like that. I start tomorrow. Something new in my life is I can leave school early now. It is great not having to stay in that place. So basically I am just changing everywhere. I have changed my mindset, I am changing my eating habits, I have changed my schedule, I am changing my exercise schedule additionally. I am really excited. I forgot to mention that I am most likely going to France this summer to study in Paris at the Sorbonne. I am really excited about that. I hope I lose my 45+ pounds before I go. My goal is to be 118 pounds. Another thing I have changed is my style, clothing style. I started this project, I print out articles of clothing that appeal to me or items that I like or love and I glue them into this sketchbook I got. I call the sketchbook “my lookbook.” I love this hands on project I started. Its better than polyvore to me.. actually I am not sure if its better but it feels more personal to me. I also put purple hair dye in my hair… my hair is already dark but I have a few light pieces that I wanted to turn purplish. So that way in the sunlight my hair would glint a purple tint instead of a reddish tint. Sometimes you can see the purple, most times you cannot but I love it when I do see it.

So Valentine’s Day is coming up… and once again I do not have a valentine. If I had things my way I would spend the day in bed watching Sex and the City episodes all day. Additionally I would drink champagne and eat sushi. Another option would be to watch Weeds all day. Because I would probably get even more depressed watching Sex and the City. And a problem would be.. I would probably end up really drunk because I would decide Champagne is not good enough and I would end up with some Jack or Absolut. God look at me I am an alcoholic in the making… Maybe since I have changed I will stick to what I am suppose to do… which is go to school. Once school is over I will probably go crash a course for my college class I will be taking if I crash correctly. and then go home and order sushi from my favorite sushi restaurant and then do my homework. Lastly I would end the day crying or watching weeds or watching SATC.

By far I think this has been one of my worst posts as of today. I feel frantic and all over the place right now. I feel very frrjasklfja;ga.

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(untitled)

So basically I have not written in a while. But the word written seem inappropriate for this and typed does not make sense so I am going to stick with written. Not much has happened, or maybe a lot has happened. This week has been horrible. Thank god today is the last day and I will be on break after 3:15 today. I am not sure but this week has been off and Has  been horrible. I am not sure how to describe the horribleness, but my emotions have been all over the place to put the icing on the cake. Also I have been dealing with ridiculous people, some people were not as ridiculous, but I interacted well had forced interaction with people I do not care for. I do not understand why some people care so much about hurting others. I also do not understand how others can be so self-absorbed in a friendship. A friendship is shared equally, its not for the sake of just one person its all about both people. I also hate how people make others  feel used.

There is one new thing my mom has given me the okay to study abroad over the summer. I am still deciding upon a program to go with. But I know that I want to be in Paris, France and study the French language. I aspire to be fluent in French, why not have an immersion experience to help get one step closer to perfecting it. I am really excited. I am excited about going to France. I am excited about traveling. I am excited about learning French. I am excited about exploring France. I am excited about experiencing the French culture. I am excited about meeting new people. I need new people in my life. I am tired of the people of America. There are very few people who are alright in my book, excluding family, very few people. I know for a fact I am not really keeping in touch with anyone from my present school. I do not really want to keep in touch with anyone. I am over trying to keep friendships. I am going to stay in touch with one person however, Tabby. Because we have a lot we can relate to each other about, at least I think so.

So my music taste has once again  changed. Well not exactly changed its more reverted back to what I use to love listening to, but slowly strayed away from. I am starting to feel like my old self by going back to what type of music I use to listen to. I am looking forward to the future once again. I am always thinking up what I want to accomplish in the future. I aspire to do many things. I have goals. I plan to go to college, community college and then off to university I go. I plan to  travel, and possibly do a semester or a year abroad. I plan to have a career I enjoy and love. I plan to be successful in this career additionally. I will then get married or possibly get married as I am starting my career. I will then start building a family after I am married. I do not want to be a single parent I want to be  married and never get divorced. It seems I am so far away from this in time, but yet I am so close. I am so close it is scary, but far enough to not make me afraid.

Another new thing is I have started my experimenting phase. I am not experimenting drastically, just little things here and there, nothing too hardcore. Its fun. Its thrilling at times, when I am doing it in hiding or hiding from someone. It is also fun with my “DPIC.” I have been spending a lot of time with my friend outside of school and her friends. It has improved my life drastically. Since I am happier, much happier than I was before. I haven’t been this happy since about 2006-2007. Its a big improvement in my life. It has also helped me get back to my old self.

Currently I am sitting in a classroom, waiting for the end of the day. It is only the morning, yet I am still anticipating the end of the day. I will be on winter break at the end of the day. At first I was unable to get on the computer, since I did not know which account to log onto. I did not know the password either, but it turned out it was right in front of me. So here I am typing. Another new thing I have started is writing in a journal. I do not start out Dear Journal, or Dear Diary. I feel awkward doing that, so I just write. I write what is exactly on  my mind, what I am going through. My emotions on certain things. Its like my blog in some aspects, but on a more personal level. There are things I write about I feel uncomfortable writing about on my blog. They are things that I do not want others to find out exactly. If I put it on my blog Its like sharing my private, my very  private thoughts with the world. There is only one person that has read these thoughts and that is my “DPIC” Katie. She is basically my sister, actually she is the sister I never really had. She is also my best friend.

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Something Is Not Right With Me

Not everyone is completely sane, but thats not the point of the title I have chosen. The point is everything has been odd. I am always saying I do not feel like myself anymore, the reason why is that I am so caught up in what others think of me. I have changed my frame of mind just to get along with others, I have even said I like some music because I wanted common ground in order to be accepted. Then someone was going through my ipod and left it on the artists in Cold War Kids. Later that day I put on my ipod and decided to listen to them. Listening to them opened my eyes, because I use to love them. I stopped listening to them and started focusing on other music that I thought would get me accepted with others. I stopped focusing on what I like, what I love. I started focusing on what I thought I liked and what I thought I loved even though deep down I constantly had to remind myself that I liked or loved something. So when I was saying I feel not like myself, I was not being myself. Sometimes you have to lose yourself before you find yourself. I’ve lost myself these past few years, and I finally feel I am back on the path to finding myself. Finding out who I truly am. Finding out what I truly like. Figuring what I truly want. Cold War Kids do not get all the credit, or the girl who put my ipod on Cold War Kids. Recently while practicing doing my makeup with my best friend she told me that I should like my makeup because I like it or because I think it looks good and not base whether I like it or not over her opinion or someone else’s opinion. So this whole week I have been becoming aware of what I like and what I do not like. I have also been making up my mind about things that I thought I liked because others liked it. Now I am going to go back to questioning why people like some things because I think its crap.

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Not Afraid

Tonight I purchased some new music. I was at my best friend’s halloween party yesterday night or two nights ago now. It was on the 30th. This friend listens to rap and is always playing rap music and its kind of caught on to me. It is now a genre added onto my list. So back to purchasing music, I browsed and bought this Eminem song, “Not Afraid.” I listened to the preview and liked what I heard. Then tonight while laying in bed I actually listened to the entire song. The lyrics had a direct line to my body, mind, heart, and soul. It was an unbelievable experience. The release of the feelings I have been feeling and support to help me through what has been going on  in my life. Of course its not the same exact topic, but the emotions behind the topic relate to my emotions. For once I cannot fully explain, maybe some other time I will be able to explain but right now It feels as if everything is turning into daylight around me (not literally of course). I feel as if everything has gone from being dark around me to now being light, a heavenly light. I was going to post the lyrics first as usual but not tonight. These lyrics are going to be broken up and explained. The music with the lyrics makes me feel as if  I can see clearly now that the rain is gone. Even though I love the rain and the night, I feel like prancing in the daylight through fields of flowers or green grass. I feel like prancing because I have awakened my confidence or cleared what has been blocking my confidence. I contribute part of the clearing to being around those who want to be around me and I want to be around. People who care. Now lets get started with the surgery.

“I’m not afraid, I’m not afraid/ To take a stand, to take a stand/ (Yeah, it’s been a ride)/ Everybody, Everybody/ (I guess I had to)/ Come take my hand, come take my hand/ (Go to that place to get to this one)” I feel that this weekend my hand has been taken, not to lead me but to support me. Almost like that saying where its something along the lines of “Together we can, hand in hand.” Except I am not doing this with others, I am doing this alone. Even though I am doing this alone, I do not feel alone. I feel the love and support that is coming behind me to help me push forward alone. But it does not feel like the love and support is behind me, it feels like it is alongside me, or beside me. My hand is being held for the first time in a long time with genuine support, and it feels good.

“We’ll walk this world together through the storm/ (Now some of you)/ Whatever weather, cold or warm/ (Might still be in that place)/ Just lettin’ you know that you’re not alone/ (If you’re tryin’ to get out)/ Holla if you feel like you’ve been down the same road/ (Just follow me, I’ll get you there)” What is happening in my life feels like it is a storm. It is a battle of darkness and light, not evil and good. Basically a battle with trying to rid the sky of those dark clouds that ruin the perfect day for a picnic in the sun, or a day at the beach. I feel warm inside, I feel love. I feel the love inside of me spreading throughout me. Love for myself from myself. Love from others is starting to show and appear before me. I know that I do not have to fight this alone and take care of myself. I have support that will keep me strong when I am down. Help me be happy when I am down. I have support that will be a team with me. I may have to do most of this fighting alone, within and outside of myself. But at the end I have others to turn to. I no longer feel alone. I feel I understand.

“You can try and read my lyrics off of this paper before I lay ’em/ But you won’t take the sting out these words before I say ’em/ ‘Cause ain’t not way I’ma let you stop me from causing mayhem/ When I say I’ma do something, I do it, I don’t give a damn what you think” I am tired of you making my life. Changing me to be what you want me to be. You did not change me, I know that I changed myself to be accepted by you. To not be rejected or hurt by you. I did not change entirely because of you, I changed for myself. I liked many of things I changed about myself. I am going to keep some of those changes, the ones I truly liked. But, I am going to get rid of what I actually did not like I did. Such as personality traits. Basically what I am saying is that you no longer are going to write my story, change my path, move my game piece. I am going to dance and move to my own boom boom.

“I’m doin’ this for me, so fuck the world/ Feed it beans, it’s gassed up if it thinks it’s stopping me/ I’ma be what I set out to be, without a doubt, undoubtably/ And all those who look down on me, I’m tearing down your balcony.” I am changing for me. To make me better, improve my life. Make a story for myself, written by myself. I am no longer going to feed your fire or give you a pedestal.  I am going to cut you off.

“Whichever comes first, for better or worse/ He’s married to the game, like a fuck-you for Christmas/ His gift is a curse, forget the earth, he’s got/ The urge to pull his dick from the dirt and fuck the whole universe” For better comes first for me, so its for the better I learned my lesson and take a stand. My problem is for the worse, your “married” or attached to yourself and personal gain. You do not care about how it affects those around you, only how it affects yourself.

“I’m not afraid, I’m not afraid/ To take a stand, to take a stand/ Everybody, everybody/ Come take my hand, come take my hand/ We’ll walk this route together through the storm/ Whatever the weather, cold or warm/ Just lettin’ you know that you’re not alone/ Holla if you feel like you’ve been down the same road” I have already discussed how I relate and how this verse speaks to me, except for the beginning part of the song with the in between lines. I forgot what they are called.

(next day)

I am not sure what I had in mind yesterday, and I cannot continue with what I was feeling/thinking tonight I guess I will have to finish or bring it up again some other time.

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Snakes on a Plane

A lot has been going on. This is my first post via blackberry. So it will be somewhat short. Right now I feel I’m enjoying the simple things, and avoiding the complicated. I chose the song Snakes on a Plane because I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane. Just kidding. I really chose it because snakes are a good symbol for all the complications that come across me and the plane because I am going to keep moving forward. In the song it says “so kiss me goodbye, honey I’m gonna make it out alive.” This song speaks to me because it expresses how there are snakes in my path and how I’m ready to move on and get over those snakes. I don’t care what those snakes think of me because they aren’t worth getting upset over. Because I am now ready more than ever to defeat these snakes.

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Snakes on a Plane

A lot has been going on. This is my first post via blackberry. So it will be somewhat short. Right now I feel I’m enjoying the simple things, and avoiding the complicated. I chose the song Snakes on a Plane because I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane. Just kidding. I really chose it because snakes are a good symbol for all the complications that come across me and the plane because I am going to keep moving forward. In the song it says “so kiss me goodbye, honey I’m gonna make it out alive.” This song speaks to me because it expresses how there are snakes in my path and how I’m ready to move on and get over those snakes. I don’t care what those snakes think of me because they aren’t worth getting upset over. Because I am now ready more than ever to defeat these snakes.

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Intergalactic

So have you ever felt alien? As if you do not fit in where you are at the time? But, you know you will find your place one day, eventually? That is how I have been feeling lately. Alien like. I hate it. I just want to fast-forward through time. Until I hit home. The good kind of home. The one where I feel like I finished my puzzle of search. As of now I am still single. I hate it. But, what do I have to compare to? I have never been in a real relationship. So I guess all I have to compare to is the unknown. Which I am willing to take a risk, a chance. Take a chance on someone. I need someone new in my life. Maybe I have met them before. Talked to them a few times. Maybe I even use to be friends with them. But, I need someone who is Alien to my normal to shake up this pattern. The pattern I am tired of being recycled. I need a new pattern. I am tired of working with this same old cycle. I am always thinking of the new it seems, but I have issues working on applying it. So this week I am going to work on applying what I think up of. I need to start going through with my ideas. That is my homework for myself this week.

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un.

When I was going through a phase in my life, where I was acting out. I was on an emotional roller coaster every night, and everyday. I was experiencing changes, and discovering wounds that have not healed. I acted out not once but many times. But I took it way to many steps too far one night. This night may have changed my sister’s life. I regret yelling out and saying that she was not my sister, and that she was adopted. If I had never said those words maybe it would not be so hard for her to be nice to me and vice versa. If I never acted out maybe my sister would not act how I use to. Yelling, screaming, slamming doors, and yelling things in order to intentionally hurt someone. It brings me such pain to know I have shown her the ways of a monster. A disgusting, ugly monster that no one wants to become. I wish I could just go back in time and fix everything. But, I can’t. What I know now I did not know then. And finding out then may have caused more heartache and pain for my family and myself. Why couldn’t he be there? and be a real dad? If he had been then maybe just maybe the monster in me then would not have awakened. And maybe just maybe my sister would never know how to be one. I blame myself for not knowing how to control myself, and cope in a better way than how I tried. If only… If only there was an answer.

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zéro

Everyone has regrets in their life. They range from  murder, to cheating, to being mean, to lying, to acting out, to revenge, to who else knows what. That list is much bigger than what I have stated, and some stories under each category stated is even bigger than the list of possible regrets. I am starting a new chapter in my life, but having issues ignoring the old. Tonight I have discovered, I need to overcome and break through the past in order to move on into the future. I will do a lot of crying, but if that helps then I must. Each post will have a number. Each number is its own regret. Some topics may be repeated, but each regret story is different. Some will be short some will be long, But all in all, put together its one hell of a roller coaster ride.

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Your Betrayal

As you may have noticed, most of my post titles are song titles. Music is a big part of my life, it is always there. Today’s post song is “Your Betrayal” by Bullet for My Valentine. Its an amazing song, take a listen. So this week my school voted and I won in the student council elections. I am now vice-president. But I left something out, I was running unopposed. The past few weeks I have been feeling betrayed in some ways, and I figured out I need to find something to pour my creativeness into and not let it just sit. And to not have me just sit around to give me something to do. So I applied for a few internships, and I have been designing for my clothing line. I cannot wait for it to kickstart, I feel like a little kid who is waiting to open presents. I have so many great ideas I want to make into a reality, but I need to stop imagining and start doing hands on designing. I think I am a kinesthetic learner, which means I learn better when using my hands I believe. Today is my friends 18th birthday so happy birthday to her. Now back to the title. I chose this song because it describes the majority of my past week and weekend into one word. Me feeling betrayed. But I still feel betrayed, but it never bothered me. It annoyed me and it bothered me because I was annoyed. Why must that person do things in thought of it bothering me. It would have bothered me if I cared enough, it just showed me their true colors. ( I had an entire list of things I wanted to touch base on, but I cannot remember right now. I will most likely be posting more than one post today.)

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