Not Afraid

Tonight I purchased some new music. I was at my best friend’s halloween party yesterday night or two nights ago now. It was on the 30th. This friend listens to rap and is always playing rap music and its kind of caught on to me. It is now a genre added onto my list. So back to purchasing music, I browsed and bought this Eminem song, “Not Afraid.” I listened to the preview and liked what I heard. Then tonight while laying in bed I actually listened to the entire song. The lyrics had a direct line to my body, mind, heart, and soul. It was an unbelievable experience. The release of the feelings I have been feeling and support to help me through what has been going on  in my life. Of course its not the same exact topic, but the emotions behind the topic relate to my emotions. For once I cannot fully explain, maybe some other time I will be able to explain but right now It feels as if everything is turning into daylight around me (not literally of course). I feel as if everything has gone from being dark around me to now being light, a heavenly light. I was going to post the lyrics first as usual but not tonight. These lyrics are going to be broken up and explained. The music with the lyrics makes me feel as if  I can see clearly now that the rain is gone. Even though I love the rain and the night, I feel like prancing in the daylight through fields of flowers or green grass. I feel like prancing because I have awakened my confidence or cleared what has been blocking my confidence. I contribute part of the clearing to being around those who want to be around me and I want to be around. People who care. Now lets get started with the surgery.

“I’m not afraid, I’m not afraid/ To take a stand, to take a stand/ (Yeah, it’s been a ride)/ Everybody, Everybody/ (I guess I had to)/ Come take my hand, come take my hand/ (Go to that place to get to this one)” I feel that this weekend my hand has been taken, not to lead me but to support me. Almost like that saying where its something along the lines of “Together we can, hand in hand.” Except I am not doing this with others, I am doing this alone. Even though I am doing this alone, I do not feel alone. I feel the love and support that is coming behind me to help me push forward alone. But it does not feel like the love and support is behind me, it feels like it is alongside me, or beside me. My hand is being held for the first time in a long time with genuine support, and it feels good.

“We’ll walk this world together through the storm/ (Now some of you)/ Whatever weather, cold or warm/ (Might still be in that place)/ Just lettin’ you know that you’re not alone/ (If you’re tryin’ to get out)/ Holla if you feel like you’ve been down the same road/ (Just follow me, I’ll get you there)” What is happening in my life feels like it is a storm. It is a battle of darkness and light, not evil and good. Basically a battle with trying to rid the sky of those dark clouds that ruin the perfect day for a picnic in the sun, or a day at the beach. I feel warm inside, I feel love. I feel the love inside of me spreading throughout me. Love for myself from myself. Love from others is starting to show and appear before me. I know that I do not have to fight this alone and take care of myself. I have support that will keep me strong when I am down. Help me be happy when I am down. I have support that will be a team with me. I may have to do most of this fighting alone, within and outside of myself. But at the end I have others to turn to. I no longer feel alone. I feel I understand.

“You can try and read my lyrics off of this paper before I lay ’em/ But you won’t take the sting out these words before I say ’em/ ‘Cause ain’t not way I’ma let you stop me from causing mayhem/ When I say I’ma do something, I do it, I don’t give a damn what you think” I am tired of you making my life. Changing me to be what you want me to be. You did not change me, I know that I changed myself to be accepted by you. To not be rejected or hurt by you. I did not change entirely because of you, I changed for myself. I liked many of things I changed about myself. I am going to keep some of those changes, the ones I truly liked. But, I am going to get rid of what I actually did not like I did. Such as personality traits. Basically what I am saying is that you no longer are going to write my story, change my path, move my game piece. I am going to dance and move to my own boom boom.

“I’m doin’ this for me, so fuck the world/ Feed it beans, it’s gassed up if it thinks it’s stopping me/ I’ma be what I set out to be, without a doubt, undoubtably/ And all those who look down on me, I’m tearing down your balcony.” I am changing for me. To make me better, improve my life. Make a story for myself, written by myself. I am no longer going to feed your fire or give you a pedestal.  I am going to cut you off.

“Whichever comes first, for better or worse/ He’s married to the game, like a fuck-you for Christmas/ His gift is a curse, forget the earth, he’s got/ The urge to pull his dick from the dirt and fuck the whole universe” For better comes first for me, so its for the better I learned my lesson and take a stand. My problem is for the worse, your “married” or attached to yourself and personal gain. You do not care about how it affects those around you, only how it affects yourself.

“I’m not afraid, I’m not afraid/ To take a stand, to take a stand/ Everybody, everybody/ Come take my hand, come take my hand/ We’ll walk this route together through the storm/ Whatever the weather, cold or warm/ Just lettin’ you know that you’re not alone/ Holla if you feel like you’ve been down the same road” I have already discussed how I relate and how this verse speaks to me, except for the beginning part of the song with the in between lines. I forgot what they are called.

(next day)

I am not sure what I had in mind yesterday, and I cannot continue with what I was feeling/thinking tonight I guess I will have to finish or bring it up again some other time.

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