un.

When I was going through a phase in my life, where I was acting out. I was on an emotional roller coaster every night, and everyday. I was experiencing changes, and discovering wounds that have not healed. I acted out not once but many times. But I took it way to many steps too far one night. This night may have changed my sister’s life. I regret yelling out and saying that she was not my sister, and that she was adopted. If I had never said those words maybe it would not be so hard for her to be nice to me and vice versa. If I never acted out maybe my sister would not act how I use to. Yelling, screaming, slamming doors, and yelling things in order to intentionally hurt someone. It brings me such pain to know I have shown her the ways of a monster. A disgusting, ugly monster that no one wants to become. I wish I could just go back in time and fix everything. But, I can’t. What I know now I did not know then. And finding out then may have caused more heartache and pain for my family and myself. Why couldn’t he be there? and be a real dad? If he had been then maybe just maybe the monster in me then would not have awakened. And maybe just maybe my sister would never know how to be one. I blame myself for not knowing how to control myself, and cope in a better way than how I tried. If only… If only there was an answer.

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Filed under my list of regrets.

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