“Stop! Take some time to think, figure out what’s important to you.”
That line of lyrics is from the song Stop, by Against Me. Today for me was all about stopping. Stopping what the old me would do, and figuring out what the new me should do. It was a bumper to bumper traffic day. Stop and go, stop and go, stop and go. I just got off the phone with my grandmother, she was sharing with me about how possibly I might be too needy. And I think I may be too needy, and that may be what drives the friends who I want to be closer with away. Which does not make sense to me, because when I back away I lose the friendship. Its not a win win situation, or a win lose, or a lose win situation its a lose lose type of situation. Either direction I take there will be some type of problem sadly. I am feeling a tad depressed right now and a bit inquisitive about my problem. My problem that has happened every year of my life, some years worse than others, some better than others, some in between.
I think I am not healthy. I am afraid to eat. That is not a good thing it seems like. I am starting to hate eating. I enjoy little snacks, but not meals. I am also starting to get a little self-conscious about eating in front of people, including family and friends. I am self-conscious now more than ever with how I behave, how I talk, what words I use, my pronunciation, where I sit, how I sit, where I look, what I watch, what I do, who I talk to. Why must I be so self-conscious. I always have been, but I think it feels like I am more conscious now more than ever is because the feeling and thoughts are more intense and take up a lot of space in my mind. I want to say I miss the past. But in reality I do not miss it that much. I just want it to go away. I need to learn to be more independent, not overanalyzing everything, and I am not sure what should be after the last and but I have an idea of what it is. I am tired and I might go off to bed in an hour or two.